literally had 100 drinks last night.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
