i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
