this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
the day after is always just damage control
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
