i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
