I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
