The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
