I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I can't turn off my feet"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
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