The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
