I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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