3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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