Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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