Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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