Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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