good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
