If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
