I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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