Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize