i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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