I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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