I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
