I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
