I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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