Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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