we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
time to smoke my breakfast
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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