Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
