how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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