Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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