you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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