She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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