That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
