a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
