8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
