Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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