You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
