This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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