I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
