I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Rumble strips road head = magical
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
