moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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