happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
