don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If I die, sorry about rent.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
