Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
