Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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