I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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