According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
