I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
