Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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