if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
how can u be prego again
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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