Whatcha textin bout Willis?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
