A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
