I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
