If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
