I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
