I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
