all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
