You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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