Plan B is the new Plan A
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize