I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
