Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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