hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
