a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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