these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
