so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
