Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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