Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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