Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
