i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
