I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
