I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
